Not far off grey hairs…

I have turned 18.

YAYAYAYA–

oh.

I have to be a mature adult now?

Can I please be 5 again?

So, I’m now at that age where I have to be responsible and mature and sensible. All those who know me would happily proclaim that I have never, not once, been any of these. Try as I might, the kid inside of me just hasn’t kicked the bucket and I still enjoy Kinder Eggs and running around playing tag on a daily basis.

I mean, what’s the alternative? Playing checkers?

I’m more of an ‘Uno’ type of gal.

My birthday was last Saturday and I spent most of it sat in a sweaty car, watching episodes of Supernatural/Game of Thrones while my brother kept poking me in the arm with his DS stylus. I have an actual bruise because I bruise like a peach and DS stylus’s bloody hurt. I was woken up to an off-tune chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ in a hotel room which I was not pleased about and neither were the neighbouring rooms, but did my parents give a damn? Hahaha, no. We then sped away as my grandmother had planned for us all to spend our holiday in an actual castle.

My Grandmother, whom I call Oma, and I have the same birthday which is cool. When we arrived we had that awkward “Happy Birthday!”, “You too!” hug and proceeded to demolish about 4 cakes because in Germany, when it’s your birthday it is customary to have 3 or more birthday cakes else your birthday is considered a dud. Not that I’m complaining, although I think my stomach did after I had shoved all these cakes into the hole in my head.

The place where we were staying was like a fairy tale castle. I had my own room (WAHOO) with a lock (DOUBLE WAHOO) and an ensuite (WAH–you know the drill). I was loving life till I realised that there was absolutely no wifi or anything and I felt stranded, although my huge family of many many cousins took my mind of this. I have two twin boy cousins who are 3 who love to wrestle and seemed to find making up insults/ threats hilarious. I kid ye not, one of the twins – I think it was Phillip – literally said ‘I will snot in your bum’. I really wish i hadn’t been drinking when he said that…

Alas, poor Phillip was later assaulted by a door and got his finger cut. It bled everywhere and there was so much, his mother got really hysterical and then to top it off, my other cousin, Lilly aged 11 practically fainted because she doesn’t fare well with blood.

That day was pretty damn interesting.

So yeah, that is how my week has been but since turning 18 I feel no different. In fact, I feel younger! Maybe this will change one I start hitting up the clubs and drinking socially. Hmm.

Mazzie, out.

STRESS-Y STRESS MONSTER

So it’s reached that time where literally you realise how much of a slacker you have truly been. But instead of trying to make up for it, you writhe in bed and scream internally at yourself for being a lazy idiot and indulge yourself in the contemplation of the woes of life.

At least, that’s what you do when you are me.

Although I decided to get up off my lazy arse, put down the milkshake and the comforting comfort food and go to Staples which is the go to place in the UK for revision stuff – it’s essentially heaven in the form of highlighters, flash cards and bulks of paper. The trip got me pumped – I was ready. I had some nice, sexy highlighters in my possession (which also had fruity smells so…win-win!), about 5 wads of paper, 2 binders/folders, 2 revision flash cards + a box to put them in (I know, why?!?!), some biros and of course a red bull. Because you need a red bull when you are doing revision.

I get home, I have everything ordered neatly in front of me. I can smell the sweet scent of success – it smells like university – and then…I’m all depressed, rolling around in bed being all sad face and once again being a woe of life contemplator. I’m a bad person. No university should ever want me…I think some universities have actually forgotten I exist.

I got an email yesterday from Glasgow University and it was addressed to Jonathan. THEY DIDN’T EVEN GET THE GENDER RIGHT!

Perhaps I should just quit school and become a woe contemplator. Because, y’know, that seems like a well paid job that will guarantee me a well cushioned life style and set me off in the pursuit of happiness.

To be honest, I did do 4 essays in the past two weeks but you get to the stage where that just isn’t enough… Plus there is the fact that I break up from school in about 2 weeks which seems ridiculous because I still want to be treated like a baby. I don’t think I’m ready for Uni, something which my mum is only too happy to tell me, because I’m immature, I’m awkward and I’ll be by myself.

University sounds awfully lonely.

I know people say it’s freedom and all but to me it sounds like sitting in your room, eating pot noodles (because according to my friends that’s all you eat at Uni) and watching Grey’s Anatomy marathons. I want to be ready for my life but I’m really afraid but I feel like I’m the only one. JEZUS. thaaaaat got depressing quickly.

Sorry dudes and dudettes, won’t happen again.

I wish I kind of knew where to go. The deadline of picking a Uni is drawing ever closer and people have made their decisions but all the Uni’s look so good. Except Glasgow…sorry Glasgow but I AINT NO MAN.

*sigh*

Oh, the woe of life.

Scary ICT teachers who murder your self esteem.

Hey guys,

So after that uber depressing blog post I posted a couple of days ago, I thought I’d treat you all to a bit of humour and some hilarious embarrassment on my behalf. It’s time for grand humiliation – Mazzie style. I think we’ve reached that stage in our blogging relationship ya’ll know I be a bit quirky (that’s putting it nicely). I don’t think I’ll ever be able to share my most embarrassing moment because my blush attack would be so fierce that all  the blood would rush into my face, leaving the rest of my body shriveled and numb and decaying. Damn, I’m sexy.

MAZZIE’S EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF THE YEAR!

Sitting comfortably? Pack of Maryland cookies at the ready? Well, hand em over then – I ain’t telling this cringe fest without sustenance!

So to really understand the embarrassment of this story – here’s some background knowledge. Basically, when you are in sixthform like I am at my school, there is a ball that you can attend in December (yep, fancy I know but to be honest it ends up being a puke massacre) which everyone is pretty dang excited about. Like over the top excited, they start picking out dresses in May. Anyway, I was pretty sure I was going, I had paid for my ticket and gotten a dress and everything. I was raring to go man, I’d even colour coordinated nailvarnish. I felt like a woman. I’d even shaved my legs for this occasion – I KID YE NAWT.

At this time I was also in a musical at my local theatre group and had won quite a big role in ‘Into the Woods’ as Little Red Ridinghood. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t seem to make the connection that the day of the ball and the opening night clashed and so I was forced to give up my evening of pretending I was a princess.

Enter: Embarrassment. So my ICT teacher is fucking scary. Luckily I don’t take ICT anymore else I’d be a sniveling wreck of saliva and guts. I know what you’re thinking…you want me. I was so scared of this teacher that I used to skive his lessons throughout year 8 (would have been about…12-13 then for you none-British folk) and he actually didn’t notice. I got straight A’s in my report card at the end of the year and a comment saying ‘work sensibly and participates well’…I felt kind of guilty but wahaay. This teacher was one of those teachers that love yelling and showing they are so intelligent so I wasn’t particularly happy when I found out that this same teacher was the same guy who was organising the ball for us sixth formers. And I needed a refund on that ticket I had bought (it was a crazy amount of money) and needed to go speak to him. I was literally wetting myself because I was like, ‘he is gonna shout at me, he is gonna say I should have known the date clashed (which I should of), I’m gonna get my head ripped off and end up at the bottom of some ditch…wah, wah, wah.’. I have no balls.

Anyway, my friend was like, ‘I’ll help you out, he’s my form teacher and I’ll be your mascot! He’ll be nice to you if I’m there’. Sooooo…I decided to man the fuck up, grow a pair and face my fear. I marched into that room like a fucking boss only to hear my SO CALLED friend go, ‘hey sir, she’s scared of you’.

Fucking traitorous whore.

Naturally all my confidence crashed and burned as this teacher raised an eyebrow and me. I blurted out my story,

‘Oh sir, the dates of my musical clash with the ball and I paid for my ticket and I need the money back and I can’t not go to the musical because I’m a main character and sir, I’m really really really sorry–’

That is literally word for word.

He’s all calm. Just looks at me like I’m a peasant. Which I probably am at that point.

He says, ‘Who are you?’

And I say, ‘Little Red Ridinghood’.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

because for some reason my brain thought that I should tell him who my fucking character was in the musical instead of my real name.

luckily while I was internally screaming at myself for being such an imbecile, someone answered for me and told him my name.

But now his entire form calls me ‘Little Red’. It’s catching on too.

It doesn’t help that I’m barely 5 ft making the ‘little’ part very understandable.

Anyway, even if you didn’t think that was all that embarrassing, it was for me. It would rank about…fifth on my most embarrassing moments chart (OH YEAH, I HAVE A CHART colour coded and everything) which is pretty high. Thank’s for watching.

I was thinking I need a catchphrase to end my blogs. Something sexy, something cute, something intelligent! Oh, who am I kidding…

Mazzie, out.

Harsh Reality

Sometimes life decides to throw you a large spiky and painful curveball.

About 6 months ago, I went to the doctors and they ran some tests and I was told that I could be infertile.

Now, for me this was the WORST news I could have ever received. There I was, 17 and still in school, being told that in the future I could never have kids. Considering that I wanted to become a primary school teacher – this hit me a lot harder than I ever thought it would. I was in tears almost everyday, trying not to cry during lessons because I constantly thought about never having my own flesh and blood call me mummy. It was so ironic too because I had always been so pro adoption and I had even told my mother that I would love to adopt one day but I didn’t realise at the time that this might be one of my only options. I was a mess, I was yelling at my friends and I didn’t tell anyone about it so they all just thought I was crazy and didn’t talk to me for a good week or two which made me so depressed. I think it’s the only time in my life when I’ve ever gone, ‘hey, let’s just give up’.

My biggest fear, it seems so dumb now, was that no one would ever love me. I thought of telling the guy I fancied or loved, someone who perhaps loved me back, about my infertility and imagined them leaving me. I did so badly in school during that time too, with my friends ignoring me and me trying not to cry during the day that my school took a bit of an interest. I never actually told them what was going on, I’m what you call a bottler. A bottler is someone who bottles up all their feelings inside of them until one day you just snap. The snap has happened a couple of times to me in the most awkward of situations… e.g Once, I gave my brother a hug and started crying on him and he asked me what was wrong and I just blubbed it all out to him and then another time we were asked to lie on the floor in Drama and think about our happy place but somehow this triggered something and I cried for about an hour.

One day I got into a humongous fight with one of my best friends and it was such a stupid fight too – just about not liking a teacher – and we both yelled a bit and I stormed out and went to go cry in the toilet. I contemplated ringing my dad but ended up just texting a friend, ‘please ring me’. Eventually she found me and I ‘snapped’ and told her everything about the doctors appointments and all and she turned out to be amazing to me.

Other important people who helped me so much during this time was my friends Jenny and Scott. When I told Scott that I was sure no one would ever want to love someone like me, he just said that they weren’t even worth loving in the first place if they didn’t and they were idiots. Jenny invited me round for an all girls sleepover which was amazing even though I’m pretty sure I brought the mood down that night, ha. These people know me better than I know myself and I know for a fact that they like me for me and nothing but.

I was better at life with those people by my side and when all the tests that I had done came back and the chances of infertility went to about less than 20% I was so happy. I still had a chance and I still want my chance. But this whole scenario just really pushed me to do things and appreciate the people I have. They’re all so amazing and I couldn’t wish for better people in my life. Even though we are so far apart and I wish we talked more often, I love you guys.

You guys make my life amazing.

Mazzie, out.

Sadistic Skiing, Parentals and France

Bonjour,

I’m going to start off this blog post with this statement:

I’m quite well off.

I like to think so anyway, because we have money and we use it to indulge ourselves in holidays and stuff. But my dad lost his job so I’m thinking that this might be one of the last holidays for a while.

Anyway, I’m in FRANCE – I’m skiing in Valmeinier, where it snows and is cold and sometimes hot because you get sweaty from the whole plowing down a slope on skis business. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I’m pretty dang good skier, I could probably become an instructor and I like skiing.

But dang, the sport is a total pain whore. I mean my legs are absolutely crying right now. My hips are burning like i’ve just given birth to a cow and my feet have blisters the size of Paris. I’m not quite sure why I still love skiing and look forward to it every year. Maybe I am a sadist and enjoy causing pain to myself and watching others endure it, or maybe I’m just off my rocker and need to be sent to the nearest loony bin, vamos!

I’m also sat on the floor of the local wifi hotspot lounge because bitches be nicking the comfy chairs and playing cards but I prevail, although my arse is pretty much numb and could be melting into the floor for all I know. I’ve been re-watching Game of Thrones in preparation for the season 3 premier. It comes out on the 31st of March in America so I shall be watching it on April fools. I shall be decked out in costume and swearing at Joffrey and cheering for Tyrion and saying Winter Is Coming during the most awkward of moments.

It’s going to be epic.

Alongside GOT, I have started watching Supernatural – a show that never fails to scare the bejeesus out of me and make me swoon over two very attractive males at the same time. Talk about a rush. So far, I have been close to wetting myself twice and now have made it a habit to go to the loo before watching an episode.

My mother and father have taken it upon themselves to read my books. My mum is downloading my trashy romances from my kindle onto hers and then slating them like I wrote them. Padre must be uber bored as he seems to have started digging through my bag and reading whatever he can get his hands on. So far, he is reading The Host and is about 100 pages in. He seems to like it so far which comes at a surprise to me that a 50-something (yeah, i don’t know his age – I am a bad, bad daughter) likes reading sci-fi romances. Stephanie struck gold with this book, huh?

My darling friend has asked me multiple times if I am on porn so I’m going to go now before she checks out what I’m writing and questions my sanity

 

Aurevoir, as the french say.

 

Banter and the Blending of Camels.

So lately I have become quite argumentative and outgoing or as my best friend Ray likes to put it ‘come out of my shell’ which makes me feel like a hermit or a snail. I’ve only recently started noticing the signs and I’m still not quite sure whether it is a good thing. There are still people that I can’t be myself around – which is a weird, mental and hyper version of me…they usually get the weird but meek and unconfident version of me which I despise but it is my default mode and I can’t seem to stop it.

But since getting into my upper sixth and joining a completely new friendship group (that sounds like we sit around, hold hands and sing ‘kumbaya’. Which we do, but only on tuesdays.) one that was without a crazy hormonal bitch like the one in my GCSE years of school. I feel more at ease and safe which is great. And I’m allowed to express my…cray cray behaviour more often.

Ray: Nice legs.

Me: Don’t even lie, they are so hairy they could be mistaken for leggings.

 

This is a prime example. This led to further banter on leg hair…

Ray: Your legs are so hairy that you could plait them.

Me: Your legs are so hairy that people will start asking you if you got a tan.

Ray: Your legs are so hairy that they could be classified as fertile soil.

Me: Your legs are so hairy that they add on an extra stone of weight–

Hey, I never said that we were normal.

As for the leg hair – it has been dealt with. I had the exterminator come in–oh I should just quit while I’m behind.

Anyway, so coming out my shell has seemed to be a success for the Mazster (I quite like that) and I plan on carrying out more missions to effectively and easily approach people. I have already started – with this youth theatre group that I go to. It’s very clique-y and I’m pretty sure no one really likes me but I persist because I don’t really give two shits if they do or if they don’t – it’s not going to stop me from going. They can just suck it up, I mean really – how are they going to cope at Uni? They aren’t.

So an interesting thing has occurred, I was at a quiz last night and we came third which is quite good considering there was 16 other quiz teams so I’m proud! Anyway, while the scores were being tallied up, this guy got up and started to preach about Jesus. I should probably mention that this quiz was held at a Church.

Now I’m an atheist, I went for the food and the quiz and so I felt a little bit like I was roped into this preaching business but I accepted it and just sat and listened anyway – sharing eye rolls with my Dad who is my fellow atheist in crime. Half way through the guy starts talking about camels, eyes of needles and rich men.

According to Scott, my friend who seems to know a lot of things and apparently has read the bible (?), he was trying to say that a rich man entering into heaven is about as likely as a camel passing through the eye of a needle. Needless to say, I had a few queries.

Query number 1: What if you liquefied the camel?

Just blend the camel, after quatering and chopping it up of course, and then pour the blend into a jug and then use a pipette and squirt it through the eye of the needle. TADAH!

Scott wasn’t impressed or enthralled by my idea as I was and proceeded to tell me I was ridiculous but inventive. Any of you christians out there, I’m not trying to be offensive but I’m allowed to be critical of religion right? Give me your verdict and I shall get back to you in the comments.

 

Mazzie, Out.

Mazzie’s Top 3 YA Books for February

HELLO!

So, I’ve been planning this because I am a big fan of YA books and I AINT AFRAID TO SHOW IT. They is sexy, don’t you know it.

Anyhoo, lets kick this in the gonads with numero uno…oh and this is in no particular order. Asking me to put them in order of favourites is like ‘Sophie’s Choice’.  And yes, although she did choose ya’ll got to agree those conditions were a lot more fierce than the ones I am under…just saying…

 

1. Divergent by Veronica Roth

Now, the blurb on this book is actually good – not too vague and not an instant turn off for people like me who like a good romance that is equally thrilling due to it’s action side. Divergent brings lots of different genre’s to the table and I really admire the book for it’s honesty. Tris, the main character, is a flawed girl who like many of us doesn’t know where she belongs which in her society is even more dangerous. In her dystopian world, her society is split up into factions each representing a ‘personality’…if you will. It kind of echoes Harry Potter or The Hunger Games in this sense except I would say that the factions are more extreme than the qualities any of the houses represent. The factions are Dauntless (Brave), Erudite (Intelligent), Amity (Peaceful), Abnegation (Selfless) and Candor (Truthful).

I love the way Roth explored the personalities in such insightful, creative ways. Like the faction, Abnegation, is selfless in all manners – not just opening doors and giving to charity – but hiding their looks away under gray, dull clothes and not being able to look in mirrors because its vanity which again is a form of selfishness. The book is, of course, romantic (I’m a sucker for romance and will only read a book with it in…sue me) and although I would have liked to see a bit more development in the relationship, the book kept me captivated and probably would have even with out it. I also downloaded the audiobook on my iPod and the reader has the voice I would definitely imagine as Tris. It’s also being made into a film in 2014 with Shailene Woodley starring as Tris – a very nice fit you’ll agree if you have read the book and/or seen ‘The Descendants’. Check this book out, it’s a great read if you are a fan of The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins or Matched by Ally Condie.

 

2. The Host by Stephenie Meyer

This book was sat on my bookshelf for 2 YEARS. Why? Well, after taking a look at the blurb which didn’t take my fancy in the slightest and the author’s name – I judged it, yep, I know…it was a bad move on my behalf but I am fickle when it comes to books. Or life. Whatever. What actually interested me in this book was the trailer, so instead of reading the annoyingly vague blurb – GO WATCH THE TRAILER. I can’t stop showing it to people and by people, I mean my mum. After you have watched the trailer, and feel a little pumped for it, go read the description on Wikipedia but not the entire page or else you are just giving yourself spoilers which in retrospect always leave you being disappointed. Trust me. I do it too often. Luckily I didn’t with this book, and it was…well, all my previous conclusions and judgements I had made about the book before I had even turned to the first page hit me in the face like a wet fish. 

The beginning dragged a little but because of the trailer and the description – I knew it would get better. And it did my friends, it got pretty dang amazing very quickly – to the point where I would dream about it which is a side effect of great books. I found Melanie and Wanderer’s conflict at the start engaging and interesting, I liked the way they managed to form a bond and unite in their circumstances. Wanderer had become one of my favourite characters ever, with her determined mind that was inspired by Melanie’s memories. I always see Mel as an older sister to Wanda, but that didn’t necessarily mean that Wanda was the more immature of the two, in fact she really shone and she inspired me with her bravery and determination. Ugh, I really need to remember she is a character and not a person.

Ian, oh you beautiful man…although I didn’t particularly like you on your first introduction. I think I would have liked Ian to have more of a structure to him, he felt a little underdeveloped in comparison to Jarred, but Jarred was Melanie’s soulmate and so I can understand why there was a bit more fixation on him.

This book was truly amazing and it’s stuck with me in my mind which is kind of annoying as the film doesn’t come out till the end of March…Also, she says she is writing sequels but ‘doesn’t want to kill anyone because the hosts world is so dangerous and blah blah…’ MAN UP MEYER.

 

3. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

What a beautiful, glorious specimen of a book this was. Quick warning – this book is so heartrendingly beautiful that you will feel as if you have shed your old skin because you feel like your heart has been laid bare to the world. The writing is flawless and impeccable, never have I ever felt so much pain and warmth at the same time. It gave me hope for humanity and honest to god, I just cried loads. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much at a book.

So, I was never a big fan of stories about cancer struggles. My Sister’s Keeper is the only one I’ve read as I feel as though I always know the ending, I always know what to expect with a cancer book and that is death and heartbreak. TFIOS toys with these idea but never have I ever felt that this book is so different from any other cancer book I’ve heard of or read. By the end of the book, my wardrobe was just graffiti-ed with quotes and my pillow was permanently wet with my tears. My fun however has begun as I have given my mum the book and I am patiently waiting until she cracks. Mwahaha.

This book is hopefully being made into a film (fingers, toes, arteries crossed) and the author, John Green is a Youtube Vlogger if you want to check that out. This book is one of the most highly ranked books on GoodReads.com and everyone should buy it. It’s not justa love story, it’s a life story.

I’m such a sap.

Hazel Grace Lancaster, however being the protagonist is not my favourite character in this book which is surprising as she is still an amazing character. She is witty, funny, passionate and like to laze in bed and watch America’s next top model reruns – sounds like my kind of girl. She’s also moody and a little pessimistic which she has every right to be seeing as she has to spend her days walking around with a big can of oxygen that flows into her lungs. Anyone would a be a little cranky. But guys and girls, Augustus Waters has stolen mine and probably any teenage girls heart and locked it away. He is just…not perfect but so unbelievably perfect. He likes video games and his favourite book is about some kind of war hero who survives fatal attacks, but his words are like poetry and you can’t help but smile like an idiot as you read the words that John Green lets Augustus speak. He is a beautiful specimen and I’m sorry. That is all. It was actually Isaac who became one of my favourite characters ever. SPOILER: his speech at the pre-funeral had me gasping and crying for hours. I could read anymore for a couple of days but my resistance soon faltered and I had to carry on.

No joke. Buy this book.

I honestly felt like I had put a book in my hands but I soon found out it was grenade and my emotions exploded out of me like a fucking FEELS FEST.

If you really want to cause yourself some pain listen to My Love by Sia whilst reading it. WARNING: THIS MAY RESULT IN SEVERE HEARTACHE AND OVERWHELMING FEELS.

Anyway, those are my top 3 for February, please give them a chance – they deserve that and more.